I would like to admit something to you.
For a very long time I did everything I possibly could to AVOID starting a conversation with a woman I was attracted to.
And this was NOT because I was afraid of rejection.
Yes, my fear was NOT that a woman would turn her back to me, throw a drink in my face, or tell me to “fuck off.”
This is going to sound completely irrational…
But I had deep, gut level fear …of success.
My fear was that she would actually want to talk to me…
My biggest, overwhelming, immobilizing fear was that the woman I opened would be eager to talk to me… even worse; she would demonstrate some attraction to me after I started the conversation…
Why did I fear this so much?
Because I knew I would disappoint her…
And there is nothing worse than seeing that glimpse of attraction quickly fading from a woman’s eyes…
For some reason it feels a lot worse to lose something that you’ve had for a brief moment… then to never have it in the first place.
So that is why I avoided talking to women…
Because I knew that I would wind up losing her… and that would hurt way more than never talking to her in the first place….
The thing I could not figure out was:
Why, with everything I had learned over the years about generating attraction in a woman, did I always seem to completely blow it with a woman at some point during a conversation…
I mean, I knew what to do…
I knew that I should avoid “interview mode”.
I knew that I should not compliment her too much or show too much interest.
I knew that I should try to demonstrate some value through storytelling, flirting, and displaying a sense of humor to her…
Yet, the longer the conversation went on… the more I seemed to just completely forget “the rules” and begin doing and saying things that were sabotaging my success.
Until finally I had a big “ah ha” moment…
It was the dreaded “awkward silences…”
I was desperately afraid of those “awkward silences” and was doing everything in my power to avoid them… and this was killing my game.
From the minute the conversation would begin… it was like my mind would keep telling “what are you going to say next… “”Don’t stop talking…” “Oh no, you’re running out of things to say…”
It was like I was doing everything humanly possible to NOT run out of things to say…
And this meant completely abandoning everything I learned about creating attraction simply to keep the conversation going.
A simple realization that changed EVERYTHING…
You make the silences awkward…
In a moment I am going to give you two techniques diffusing some of the tension built up during silencing…
But first I want to make sure that you understand that silences are normal. And it’s the way you react to that determines how she perceives them…
Think about, you have moments of silence when you’re talking to your friends, family, or other acquaintances… and it is completely normal.
In fact, this clip of dialogue from the move Pulp Fiction sums it up very nicely:
Mia Wallace: Don’t you hate that?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.
So by the very nature of just projecting a level of comfort during the silence, using the time to take a breather rather than yakking about nothing, you are turning something that could have been “awkward” into something that demonstrates a deeper level of rapport.
But in the quote above… Mia Wallace uses a good technique for diffusing the tension built up during an uncomfortable silence.
Technique #1: Acknowledge it.
Yes, by simply acknowledging the silence you automatically break the tension….
The awkwardness and discomfort stem from the fact that you both know that you’ve run out of things to say to each other…
So rather than try to avoid this fact, simply acknowledge it, and then diffuse the situation with humor.
Here is an example of something you can say:
“Oh no, an uncomfortable silence! Don’t panic, it’ll pass”.
By doing this, not only did you diffuse the situation… but you also demonstrated a large amount of social intelligence.
Women HATE feeling awkward. When you demonstrate the ability to keep things from getting awkward- you are showing her that she can feel secure that she won’t feel that unbearable level of discomfort that most men bring with them.
Technique #2: Use it as an opportunity to transition
Most guys fear these silences… but once you understand how to use them to your benefit you’ll start to look forward to them.
What most guys do when the silence rears its ugly head is panic. And they try to hide their panic by avoiding eye contact, fidgeting with their cell phone, or filling the silence with “boring” questions that only make it more apparent how they’ve got nothing left to discuss.
Try this instead:
Use the silence as an opportunity to move the conversation to a more intimate level , or to move her to a different location.
During the silence, maintain eye contact with her, and then start speaking very slowly after it… say something like:
“So what were you thinking when I came over to talk to you?”
“Let’s go outside for a minute, and we’re going to play something I call ‘the questions game’.”
Can you see how these silences allow you to add things into the conversation that you would have found difficult if the both of you continued to yak about bullshit?
As you begin to discover the little tricks of carrying a conversation you start to realize that it is a lot easier than you imagined keeping a woman interested in talking to.
In fact, with the right arsenal of tactics you can pretty much engage every woman you talk to, making her excited to finally find a guy who does not bore her to death.
In my recent program, Conversation Escalation: Make Small Talk Sexy, I brought together five of the top conversationalists in the world together… to share their secrets tips and techniques for making sure all of your conversations flow naturally, build attraction, and escalate towards a more sexual level.
Check it out:
You can spend years figuring this stuff out on your own… or you can take these tips from these social masters and go out and use them tonight to connect with more women.
Check it out now: